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A few months ago my therapist asked me what I liked about myself and I couldn’t think of anything. He was quite shocked and named a few things. This made me cringe even more than being asked what I like about myself. I find that question deeply uncomfortable and haven’t quite got to the root of why. Perhaps it is simply the language of it.
I have spoken before about why body positivity is no longer a term I really use or a goal I seek but plenty of other people still connect with it. Others find that body curiosity, body acceptance or self-love are more useful for them when looking at their relationship with their body image. There’s no right or wrong, it’s just what works best for you. This month I have really found switching out ‘what do you like about yourself?’ with ‘what about being yourself brings you pleasure?’ has been a way for me to connect with my more positive attributes.
This question has allowed me to sort of look at myself without my inner critic getting in the way. My critic can’t really say “that doesn’t give you pleasure” or “that’s a stupid thing to give you pleasure” because pleasure is so individual. I mean it’s tried but I find I can bat it away more quickly - thanks to positive Pauline on my side perhaps!
It’s also led me to think about what about me brings others pleasure?
I spend a lot of my time freaking out about upsetting people, offending people, freaking them out, making them angry etc. but I have never thought why people want to hang out with me or allow space in their life for me. When I was younger, I was head over heels for this lad, absolutely besotted, but he was “like so totally out of my league” that I never in a million years thought he fancied me back. We were great friends and at one point we decided to share CDs with each other. I spent ages thinking about what would seem really cool to put on mine as he was in a band so knew about music and stuff. I was also very careful to not include any songs that might make him think I liked him in case he freaked out that this monster fancied him and that he’d stop wanting to hang out with me.
The day of the CD exchange came. He had digitally made this awesome cover for mine with all of our in jokes on it. Every tune on the CD was an absolute banger and they were all about liking someone or wanting to spend time with them which I just thought was a coincidence because there was no way in a million years he would feel that way about me. I mean have you seen me! Then we went on a day out together and I couldn’t believe that I’d get a whole day to spend with him. I texted my BFFs ecstatic of course and they were all like “Oooh a date!” and I replied with something like “I wish! Nah he just sees me as a friend. We are just hanging out”.
I was so careful the whole time we were hanging out to not let him even suspect that I fancied him because if he did! Oh the shame. He’d never talk to me again.
Years later I found out that he did think it was a date and thought by the fact that I was giving him zero signals that I fancied him or even wanted to kiss him that I wasn’t interested.
I know, dear reader, the devastation.
However, almost 17 years later, and clearly over it, I am thinking about why other people want to be around me. I can be mean, cruel, vindictive, malicious, jealous, grumpy, petty and though I try not to be, I am human. It’s not all rainbows and musical numbers all the time.
Why then would other people want to be my friend? My friends are so important to me. As an immigrant, they are my chosen family and I chose to have a brilliant family. My friends are hilarious, clever, ambitious, sarcastic, interesting, silly, kind, thoughtful and supportive. Most of the time. Sometimes they act badly but they are human.
And that must be true with me. I am not perfect all the time but I must mostly bring some good to our relationship otherwise they’d kick me to the kerb. Seeing myself through this lens is such a different way of looking at myself. It’s a different language. But it does mean that I can look my therapist in the face and tell him some things I like about myself.