Back Fat and Body Paint

It’s one thing to get naked in front of strangers but how about your friends? 

One of the things I am most surprised about is how easy I have found getting naked in front of strangers. Those of you who have read past post will know I have now dabbled in festival nudity as well as life drawing and both times I felt 100% comfortable. A very odd fact when you consider that I started this blog to help me get into a bikini which I still find tricky!

It’s strange that wearing clothes makes me feel more uncomfortable and vulnerable in my body than being nude. I don’t know if it’s the sheer rebellion of being nude in public that makes it so empowering or there’s so much adrenaline being pumped that I think I’m fine even though it’s pure fear! 

So I have been exploring the more intimate side of nudity to see if my comfort is not exclusively based on the public display. After all I am an actress - public displays are my bag.

So based off my love for Naked Beach on Channel 4 (when reality TV is for good and not evil), I decided to start spending time with myself naked in the mirror. They suggest 20minutes. My max is 7 minutes as by that point I am bored out of my tree! It’s been great to focus on the lines if my body and not the size. Anything negative thoughts get told to feck off fairly lively! I honestly feel as if I am seeing myself as my true size for the first time. The image I have from the mirror matches to the reflections outside and to photographs. I feel like I have a much more consistent view of myself which means I am less disappointed when I see myself. It definitely works.

Inspired by this first challenge working I decided to tackle another one of their challenges - body painting. 

I have wanted to have my body painted for the longest time. Mainly because I love dressing up and any chance to do that in any form is most welcome but also because the designs are always so beautiful. I was also thinking about body confidence around your friends around this time. I compare myself to my female identifying friends all the time as they are all very beautiful, talented and successful but sadly instead of that motivating me, it drowns me in self-pity sometimes.

So there it was - nudity on a smaller scale, body painting and being comfortable around my mates so their attributes don’t make me crumble - everything I wanted to explore. 

Enter Elena and Ali.

Elena is an extraordinary artist across several different mediums and she’s also up for anything! When I jokingly (not jokingly) asked if anyone would be up for painting me she jumped at the chance which was perfect. I know she would turn all of my abstract ideas into something beautiful and she would be super comfy around a naked me. We had several back and forth chats about different design concepts and then on the day she brought the idea that absolutely nailed what I wanted! A cherry blossom tree. Growth, beauty and a softness to their wildness. 

Ali came to capture the whole experience which was just such a privilege. She is an incredible photographer who has such a natural knack for capturing the moment as well as very snazzy equipment. She’s my sister from another mister too so to share this with her was really special.

So here we were. Three mates. Me with my tits out and both of them doing what they do best. 

Here are the beautiful results: 

It was such a laugh! Seriously, I highly recommend everyone do this with their mates even if they can’t paint!! I am very ticklish which did not help but we had so much fun. We chatted a bit about our bodies and we were just sharing this beautiful creative thing which was ace. What a thing to bring you closer! 

I absolutely loved the design and the photos. I felt beautiful. Honestly like a work of art. Deserving to be plonked bam smack centre in a museum. 

But 

When I first saw the photos one thing stood out. It gnawed and it screamed - BACK FAT!! 

I was very annoyed at myself but the sadness and discomfort wouldn’t go away. So, I made myself look at the photos and point out what I liked about them. What would I say if a friend showed me these photos of themselves? 

Oddly this photo helped the most.

This body is not going to be on the cover of a magazine anything soon. And what? I look so happy in this photo and I love it. I saw my belly and the rolls and the gappy teeth and the flat hair and I didn’t care. This is my body..... sometimes. Sometimes it looks like that. When I stand another way or when I am lying down or when I am kayaking or when I am sleeping or running or crying or shouting - my body will take on another shape and form. A form that I think looks nicer in the moment of a photo. 

But I want to be more than that moment. I want to be that happy person in that photo. I want to be me. 

Nudity with friends? You might find your favourite self.

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Please check out more beautiful artwork from Elena here: www.elenastevanoska.com

All images are credited to Ali Wright Photography and you can check out her full portfolio here: https://www.aliwrightphotography.com