The Bridesmaid Diet

The last few months have been a whirlwind of wedding mania with me racking up four weddings in three months. It's been an absolute blast plus I got to be a bridesmaid for the first time ever which was an absolute joy of an experience. You hear all these horror stories about hen party politics and bridezillas but we had absolutely none of that and it was blissful the whole way through. The other great part was that I GOT TO WEAR THE PRETTIEST DRESS! It was a sparkly movie star gown of perfection and I loved it. 

Me and the Man looking snazzy at the wedding

When we bought it, the girls persuaded me to get a small. I never think small sizes will fit me so I very rarely try them on for fear of feeling like a ham stuffed in a tin can. However, with this dress, the smaller size fit me much better. Yes there were tummy rolls and flabby arm bits but it definitely gave a nicer overall shape. I was super happy and couldn't wait to wear it on the wedding day. Months later I went to California where I ate all of the Mexican food (big shout out to Taqueria La Bamba!) and when I came back the fear set in. What if I now didn't fit into the dress? It was one month until the wedding and the dress was in Ireland so I couldn't try it on to check. What was I to do? There was only one choice – diet and hope to gawd it pays off. So I started to have soup, less cheese and whipped out my dusty Davina workout DVD's and boy, did I feel like shit. I was so sad that I was going back on everything I had worked hard on. I have turned my back on diets as diet culture is bollocks, damaging men and women on so many levels. They never end. Our bodies will always have fat. We will always have bits that stick out – women, sorry to say, but your lower belly will always stick out and at different points because that's where our womb is and it's a fluctuating beast. Diets just make you feel guilty, develop an unhealthy relationship with food and THEY DON’T WORK.

Anyway, I was feeling bad about going back on my new beliefs but there was nothing else I could do. Could you imagine me not fitting into the dress and the stress that would cause two days before the wedding? No thank you! So I reminded myself that it was a practical, one month only, one off situation and cut myself some slack. Also, I was very shit at sticking to the diet anyway. I had all of the cheese.

But good news – I fit into the dress. Yay! The hair and make-up ladies made me look like a million dollars and I felt like a goddess all day (Yeah I know it wasn't my day but I'm allowed feel pretty too!). It was also the most craic ever. I laughed and danced (drunkenly way too much at one point but we'll skim over that!) and hung out with my friends. It was just a brilliant day.

Then the photos started to arrive. Only a few at first and I felt the familiar pang of “Oh there's olde wide hips Fleming” and “What are you doing with your face?” but I brushed them off because me, the bride and the other bridesmaids all looked so happy, the colours were fantastic and it was just a lovely reminder of a lovely day. 

Me and My Gorgeous Best Friends

And then more photos came and my first thought was “OMG! I am huge.” In every photo I could just see my lumps, my bumps, my weird teeth and witchy face. I could see I was having a whale of a time at the wedding as I am laughing in most of them but my stupid brain wouldn't focus on that. It just kept pointing out how fat I looked.

I felt awful. I felt like I had gone right back to the beginning. Back to fourteen year old Amy who once prayed she'd get diabetes so she'd lose weight (fecked up I know.). It was pretty devastating. Then I had a chat with a friend who reminded me that this is not a linear process. That I'm not going to always take the next step and it will be a step forward. Nope sometimes I am going to fall back a few steps but you've just got to start pushing forward again at some point.

So I looked at the photos again. At first, I began to focus on everything but my belly and bum. Focusing on things like how happy I looked, looking at the other people in the photo and what they were at, looking at the image as a whole but the I realised if I am going to get anywhere I need to look at the parts of the photograph I hate and change my brain's viewpoint on those. So I looked at my belly and I admired it's curves and thought about all that sweet Mexican food that it can hold, I looked at my gappy teeth and thought how great it is to have teeth and how they help me eat that delicious Mexican food and I looked at my flabby arms and congratulated them on the awesome shapes they throw out when I am on the dancefloor and also, how they let me hold up that sweet, sweet Mexican food as I ate it. Honestly, go to Taqueria La Bamba once in your lives.

A whirlwind wedding extravaganza but an important reminder that getting to a place of body acceptance and love is ongoing, it's not linear, it's upsetting but it's worth it for I am a goddess and one day my brain will get that. 

Tags: body confidence, body acceptance, body positive, body image, diet, diet culture, bridesmaid, bride, wedding, belly rolls

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