Mission Complete

I did it.

A year of self-reflection, reading, learning, crying and worrying and as I slipped into that bikini on my birthday, I felt great. I wasn't anxious about it. I was actually excited to show it off. What was terrifying was the fact that we were getting into the sea in England in winter. It didn't help matters that on the day in question the world decided that it would be extra windy. The waves were high and looked like the couldn't wait to turn our skin blue. We chose to do the jump next to a stone jetty as we thought the wall might shield us from the worst of the wind. "HA!" said Nature, "Not happening my friends!" 

Myself and a bunch of heroes, including my mother dressed as a reindeer, stripped to our best swimwear, held hands and tiptoed into the sea (It was very stoney so no big run was happening) and that's when we discovered how strong the current was. Most of us were knocked over in quick succession by the strong waves and one brave soul who had dived head first into a wave was carried away. Luckily, he was a strong swimmer and made his way back to shore safely.

So in light of all that, wearing a bikini was the least of my problems. You can see the full video of the dip here if you so wish.

It did feel incredible though that the bikini was such an afterthought. I had a little cry to myself in the shower afterwards when I was trying to return the circulation to my body. Not a sad cry but a joyous one at how far I had come and what that meant for my life going forward.

Considering, this was me a year ago.

A wonderful photographer friend, Hannah of Nomad Creative Studio, had a little photoshoot together as she was exploring vulnerability and I wanted to have a record of where I was at when I began this project. I remember feeling so self conscious in this dress. Without make-up and my hair done I felt like a frump. I had also lost a lot of my hair at this stage and was entering the worst phase of that. I was just so sad. Sad with my body, myself and where I was at with my life.

Now I look at that photo and I see a banging pair of legs and a girl I just want to hug and say that everything will be ok. It will get better and you are about to do the most important thing you have ever done for yourself and it will work out.

A lot has changed this year in addition to me putting on a bikini. I have said goodbye to diets and the ideas of good and bad food. My food intake and exercise are based around what I need, what is nourishing (physically and mentally!) and what I'm in the mood for! I don't feel guilty if I have just pizza, swiss roll and lemonade for an entire week. I don't frantically eat well for the next week to “make up for it”. I just check in that I'm doing it because I need it and not just because I can't be arsed to think of anything else to eat. It's made a massive difference.

I don't care about size labels on clothes. They vary so much from shop to shop anyway and my weight goes up and down depending on the time of the month, how bloated I am etc. so I just try things on in lots of sizes until I find the right fit. If that's a 16 I don't get depressed about it. If it's a ten I don't feel amazing about it. I just look at the outfit itself as a whole and basically tell myself I'm a ride (Irish term for fit as f*ck!).

I look after my body more. I am more tactile with my body, I buy good products and not just the cheapest, I take vitamins and I'm trying to get more sleep. I try to go for walks and am taking time to read and learn again as that helps my mental health hugely and I've been neglecting that for some time.

I feel more confident. I don't feel in competition with other women as much. I am easier on myself. I worry less. I am focussing my mind on so many other things. I am curious again.

Now, there are still days where all of this goes to shit but I am getting better at saying to myself “Fair enough. You're changing a lot in one year but make sure you don't fall back into your old ways for too long. “

I want to end this blogpost by saying thank you.

Thank you for all of you have read the blog over the last year, all of you that have sent messages of understanding, support and encouragement, all of you who have started to look at your own relationships with your bodies and have sought advice. You really spurred me on when I felt low, when I didn't know what the next step to take was and on good days when I needed to just keep going. You are all wonderful.

To everyone who came to sea jump, whether you filmed it, laughed or cheered – thank you.

To all you mad bastards who jumped in the sea. You are all heroes and I love you. Beauty shouldn’t be about changing yourself to achieve an ideal or be more socially acceptable. Real beauty, the interesting, truly pleasing kind, is about honoring the beauty within you and without you. It’s about knowing that someone else’s definition of pretty has no hold over you. ~Golda Poretsky